We're registered with Club Wedd and the liquor store
Yet another gem in the inbox today.
Will you marry me? Or at least meet me for dinner later so I can persuade you into marrying me?
*sigh* On to the reply:
Dear dude I don’t know:
This reminds me of my favorite movie*, Green Card, starring Gerard Depardieu even though you don’t seem French since your typing didn’t have an accent. I digress, I would love to. My 27 cats are desperate to have a man around the house and my psychic told me something like this would happen to me very soon. I’ve taken the liberty of setting up a wedding registry for us at the liquor store because I have a feeling we’re going to need a lot of booze to make it through the honeymoon stage of this relationship. As for a date, how is next weekend? I don’t want to waste any time here. Its not every day your dreams come true. I’ll see you at 7 tonight and we can go over the details.
Ok, so Mr. Serious Business and Sexuality totally takes the creeper award so far, but today we have another contender! So.Much.Excitement.
I received this gem today:
Hi! I just wanted to tell you I would really like to be on you. :) - Mr. Sexy Pants
I have to wonder if things like this really ever work on the ladies? I could have handled this fella in a few different ways. I debated sending a snarky email like the one I sent Mr. Serious Business. This technique obviously does not work since that type of brain does not comprehend sarcasm.
Next, I thought about writing him a nice letter about how happy I was that the jeans I have been searching for FOREVER EVER have been found. Thoroughly express how grateful I am that the sexy pants have returned to me. Maybe make up a little story about how some skanky girl stole them from the dyer in the laundry mat. You know, make it the sisterhood of the sexy pants but with theives. I’m sure this too would be lost on him.
I couldn’t resist replying to the gem of a man from my previous post…
First of all, just let me say that you have impeccable timing. Just last night as I sipped a glass of cabernet sauvignon while reading Anna Karenina for the third time I thought to myself “When will I ever meet someone that is all serious business and sexuality?” Never before has any man so effectively called me out for my boring hotness in my entire life of disappointment and boredom. Living such a shallow and vain existence is really daunting. I mean, do you know how difficult it is to carry on an intelligent conversation after a bomb ass meal and a great bottle of wine? Why aren’t there more men out there that know what women want? We obviously want to be yelled at about our disappointing personalities and fine asses and then we want to be sexed. Hard. All.Night.Long. So once again, thank you so very much for pointing out my misguided ways. Maybe now I will not spend my life forever alone other than the 20 cats I’ll inevitably end up adopting since I’ve gotten a glimpse into the inner workings of the male mind.
One of the best parts about being a single lady is getting email gems like these:
what the fuck over??? You think you are cute b/c of your slim body and your tight ass ummm o maybe, but I am the one who has been sexed….. have you…. I am not talking some random dude that I thought was hip… cool…. or knew how to play some fucking lame instrument guy…. I am talking about you miss wah about a fucking spelL checker are you seriousssssss…. if you whine about shit like that have fun in your fucking lil world OF DISAPPOINTMENT, AND BORDOM, while I am out, not-spell checking and looking at character instead of words misspelled…. do you know how to top superCALLAfragilisticexpealladoeshous????? HUMMM DO YOU….. I had a fucking fine ass girl just like you and when i finally sexed her down all she did was lie there…. what a fucking bore…. I bet someone like you would lie there once I sexed her down….. all that fucking sexy ass with no roll…… no turn on…. just a let down… yOU are hot as fuck and so am I …. but I am to old to mess around with game… I AM ALL SERIOUS BUSINESS AND SEXUALITY!!! Put up or shUt up, WITH YOUR HEART, of course after I’ve cooked you a bomb ass meal and popped open some great wine….. and played some music… while talKing to you smooth….. get in or out…… this is my dance will you give me your hand???
How could I resist this smooth talker? If you guys need me, I’ll be off getting sexed and being boring.